Grr.

Frightened, aren't you?

I was.

So there I am, happily cooking a tasty dinner of roast unicorn udder and toasdtool gratin, when in charge two evil witches and try to turn me into a frog. Luckily I was protected by my magic apron and a seven inch long Sabatier knife. The first one, I chopped the hands off. The second one, I just took out an eye and lopped off her nose. They did manage to turn one of my arms into a withered stump of festering jelly and one of my legs into the arm of a baboon, but I think I got the better of them.

Bloody witches, coming over here, taking our jobs and our brookmsticks, and they never, ever, sweep the floor.

My advice to you is this: If witches ever storm into your house and try to turn you into some amphibious pond dweller, have something good to eat to distract them. There are certain things witches are particularly fond of and the list goes something like this:

• Little Girls - especially ones called Gretel
• Little Boys, especially ones called Hansel
• Dew that has dripped from the nose of a bat
• The bat described above (although only its wool - whatever that is)
• Eye of Newt
• Fillet of Fenney Snake - particularly with a garlic mayonnaise

Sadly that's about it as far as I know. There are rumours of witches also eating frog's toes, dog's tongues etc... but I think this is just theatrical nonsense.

You will be glad to hear that the witches spells only lasted a few hours and my arm and leg are back to normal. Also, I think the witches themselves can regenerate lost limbs and bits, so I think they are probably ok too. They did stay for dinner though and enjoyed it immensely. For some reason they wouldn't eat the gratin though - apparently witches don't eat vegetables of any sort apart from tubers - and then only roasted in goose fat - that being a golden egg laying goose of course.

After the witches had eaten, they flew off into the night, howling and cackling at the full moon. Yes, it was a full moon and these were real witches. Shame about the unicorn though - I believe this was the last one in existence. Tasty though. Very moist.